When I was little, I had a total belief in magic and fairies. I believed.
I Still believe!
Compulsive Nopping
OK I hate to shop. It's just that simple. I hate it. I don't know if it's because I'm cheap or because I'm lazy or because I'm usually broke but I just hate to shop. But I've finally realized that my complete hatred of shopping is probably causing me as many problems in my life as compulsive
While the most obvious result of my compulsive nopping is the borderline criminal amount of money wasted on pizza and fast food - not to mention the completely unhealthy nature of the food and my ever-expanding buttock. In fact, I recently asked my assistant (for the first and last time) to sort some receipts for me and she blurted out "OMG how many times a day do you guys eat?" Part of me wants to erase this entire paragraph but I'm forcing myself to press on.
Another ongoing issues caused by my compulsive nopping is the mount of money I end up spending on pantyhose! Yes that's right. Pantyhose become a very next costly item as a result of nopping. And not because of the actual price of the pantyhose but because of the bribes I have to offer people when I am rushing to get somewhere and me wearing pantyhose is absolutely essential. Examples you want? Once, back when I worked in PR and I used to take car service into NYC very early in the morning, I needed pantyhose and of course I had put off shopping for them the night before. Well I asked the driver to stop at CVS and he obligingly did so. Only to later charge me $15 for that favor.
Another time my daughter had to run and pick up pantyhose for me when we were in Mobile, AL producing a segment - that cost me a $20 webcam (she's an excellent negotiator) and finally most recently my sister went to pick up pantyhose for me and while there was a financial bribe involved the biggest cost was the fact that she got me "A" size instead of "Q" size causing me great discomfort and VPL for most of the day.
At this very moment I finally understand why people don't want to go into rehab. I am not yet ready to give up my compulsive nopping however, I am almost ready to admit that I have a problem.
While the most obvious result of my compulsive nopping is the borderline criminal amount of money wasted on pizza and fast food - not to mention the completely unhealthy nature of the food and my ever-expanding buttock. In fact, I recently asked my assistant (for the first and last time) to sort some receipts for me and she blurted out "OMG how many times a day do you guys eat?" Part of me wants to erase this entire paragraph but I'm forcing myself to press on.
Another ongoing issues caused by my compulsive nopping is the mount of money I end up spending on pantyhose! Yes that's right. Pantyhose become a very next costly item as a result of nopping. And not because of the actual price of the pantyhose but because of the bribes I have to offer people when I am rushing to get somewhere and me wearing pantyhose is absolutely essential. Examples you want? Once, back when I worked in PR and I used to take car service into NYC very early in the morning, I needed pantyhose and of course I had put off shopping for them the night before. Well I asked the driver to stop at CVS and he obligingly did so. Only to later charge me $15 for that favor.
Another time my daughter had to run and pick up pantyhose for me when we were in Mobile, AL producing a segment - that cost me a $20 webcam (she's an excellent negotiator) and finally most recently my sister went to pick up pantyhose for me and while there was a financial bribe involved the biggest cost was the fact that she got me "A" size instead of "Q" size causing me great discomfort and VPL for most of the day.
At this very moment I finally understand why people don't want to go into rehab. I am not yet ready to give up my compulsive nopping however, I am almost ready to admit that I have a problem.
A New Me
Having dubbed myself the Makeover Mom I decided to take a look at some areas in my life that need a makeover. I'm not talking about my bangs needing chemically straightened or my ever expanding buttocks getting on a treadmill. I'm referring to areas of a less "cosmetic nature".
I have, what some might call, a few...character defects.
I'm always late. I procrastinate causing myself and others unnecessary stress. I'm loud and occasionally abrasive. I make promises I don't keep. I'm irresponsible in a lot of ways - I have been known to apply make up while driving and frequently fed my kids fast food instead of cooking. But I'm also cute and funny and smart and helpful and I care deeply about my family. (Previous sentence thrown in so that those of you who now feel sorry for me realize that I'm also arrogant.)
The problem is that realizing I have these "flaws" and actually doing something about them are two different things. For me, change happens slowly. First I have an "aha" moment. Then I start to notice the same thing more and more. Then I decide to do something about it. Then I make a change.
Who am I kidding? If I'm being honest it goes more like this. "Wow - that sucks about me" or "Wow - that sucks about that person". Then I proceed to ignore it and lose myself in whatever current addiction I'm involved in whether it's Bejeweled or Twitter or reruns of CSI.
So I continue with my harmless distractions until either the pain gets so great that I remove the person from my life, pay the bill, or make a change in myself.
When I was younger I was a more energetic about making changes but it's getting harder as I get older. Although the stakes are getting higher. I recently thought about what I would regret on my deathbed and the list is long.
So here's a change I'm getting ready to make that will reduce the list of deathbed regrets and will also require little energy. I'm ready to give up fear. Not the healthy fear of the obvious dangers in life that keep us safe. But the insidious malware type fear that has been eating away at me for most of my adult life and has driven me to become a stressed out, people-pleasing, passive-aggressive crazy person. (Occasionally)
I'm afraid about what people think of me and say about me. I'm afraid people are mad at me or won't like me or think I'm a bad mother. Afraid that people will figure out that I'm really stupid or lazy or clueless. Afraid I'm going to get fired (which finally happened and I'm still standing). Afraid my kids will like their Dad better than me or that my neighbors really can hear me yelling. It goes on and on and on.
As a result of all of this, I've run myself ragged and pushed myself fairly well to the brink.
After watching me have a mini-breakdown yesterday over what he considered to be nothing, my son said to me "Mom are you in any kind of therapy?" It made me realize maybe it's time. As they say, out of the mouths of babes. When I realized later why I had cried it was because I felt like a big stupid loser. I didn't have his health insurance card with me at the doctor, I didn't pay my mom back some money I owed her on time, and a client just put off doing a project I was counting on. But after a good night's sleep and some time to think today I realized I'm not a big stupid loser. I'm just afraid that people will think I'm one or that I will actually become one.
And now for a little background. I grew up in an extremely violent and abusive home and recently in my professional life I was able to do some work on behalf of a move called "Telling Amy's Story" which chronicled the life of a woman who had been living with domestic violence. Just when she was about to leave her husband he shot and killed her at point blank range. If you have a chance to look into it, please do as well as Verion's efforts to end support domestic violence. My boss at the time sent me to Washington DC for the premiere of the film as he knew that domestic violence was an issue I care deeply about.
What happened to at that event surprised me. As much as I care deeply about putting an end to domestic violence, I began to realize that the way I was living my life is partly a result of what happened in my childhood (Um...duh). I found some programs for adult survivors of child abuse and started exploring recovery but I guess I was too busy or got distracted or the just wasn't ready to make the change. But now the same boss referenced above has given me the luxury of lots of time on my hands and I am ready to start changing the things in my life that are causing me the greatest discomfort (and I don't mean my ugly mom jeans that are too tight) .
I'll keep you posted on how it goes. Right after this next game of Bejeweled!
I have, what some might call, a few...character defects.
I'm always late. I procrastinate causing myself and others unnecessary stress. I'm loud and occasionally abrasive. I make promises I don't keep. I'm irresponsible in a lot of ways - I have been known to apply make up while driving and frequently fed my kids fast food instead of cooking. But I'm also cute and funny and smart and helpful and I care deeply about my family. (Previous sentence thrown in so that those of you who now feel sorry for me realize that I'm also arrogant.)
The problem is that realizing I have these "flaws" and actually doing something about them are two different things. For me, change happens slowly. First I have an "aha" moment. Then I start to notice the same thing more and more. Then I decide to do something about it. Then I make a change.
Who am I kidding? If I'm being honest it goes more like this. "Wow - that sucks about me" or "Wow - that sucks about that person". Then I proceed to ignore it and lose myself in whatever current addiction I'm involved in whether it's Bejeweled or Twitter or reruns of CSI.
So I continue with my harmless distractions until either the pain gets so great that I remove the person from my life, pay the bill, or make a change in myself.
When I was younger I was a more energetic about making changes but it's getting harder as I get older. Although the stakes are getting higher. I recently thought about what I would regret on my deathbed and the list is long.
So here's a change I'm getting ready to make that will reduce the list of deathbed regrets and will also require little energy. I'm ready to give up fear. Not the healthy fear of the obvious dangers in life that keep us safe. But the insidious malware type fear that has been eating away at me for most of my adult life and has driven me to become a stressed out, people-pleasing, passive-aggressive crazy person. (Occasionally)
I'm afraid about what people think of me and say about me. I'm afraid people are mad at me or won't like me or think I'm a bad mother. Afraid that people will figure out that I'm really stupid or lazy or clueless. Afraid I'm going to get fired (which finally happened and I'm still standing). Afraid my kids will like their Dad better than me or that my neighbors really can hear me yelling. It goes on and on and on.
As a result of all of this, I've run myself ragged and pushed myself fairly well to the brink.
After watching me have a mini-breakdown yesterday over what he considered to be nothing, my son said to me "Mom are you in any kind of therapy?" It made me realize maybe it's time. As they say, out of the mouths of babes. When I realized later why I had cried it was because I felt like a big stupid loser. I didn't have his health insurance card with me at the doctor, I didn't pay my mom back some money I owed her on time, and a client just put off doing a project I was counting on. But after a good night's sleep and some time to think today I realized I'm not a big stupid loser. I'm just afraid that people will think I'm one or that I will actually become one.
And now for a little background. I grew up in an extremely violent and abusive home and recently in my professional life I was able to do some work on behalf of a move called "Telling Amy's Story" which chronicled the life of a woman who had been living with domestic violence. Just when she was about to leave her husband he shot and killed her at point blank range. If you have a chance to look into it, please do as well as Verion's efforts to end support domestic violence. My boss at the time sent me to Washington DC for the premiere of the film as he knew that domestic violence was an issue I care deeply about.
What happened to at that event surprised me. As much as I care deeply about putting an end to domestic violence, I began to realize that the way I was living my life is partly a result of what happened in my childhood (Um...duh). I found some programs for adult survivors of child abuse and started exploring recovery but I guess I was too busy or got distracted or the just wasn't ready to make the change. But now the same boss referenced above has given me the luxury of lots of time on my hands and I am ready to start changing the things in my life that are causing me the greatest discomfort (and I don't mean my ugly mom jeans that are too tight) .
I'll keep you posted on how it goes. Right after this next game of Bejeweled!
Just When I think I've had enough
I have to be honest. I struggle most days with most things in life. The herculean tasks of life for me are actually easier than the everyday stuff. I look at people I know who are organized, pay their bills on time, remember other people's birthdays and sit down at an actual table to eat a meal and I remember that while they may be gifted at that, I have other gifts.
What are they exactly. Well I'm not sure how to put it into words but on a good day important people have asked my help.
But back to my daily struggles with daily life.
I'd say a good 30% of my waking hours are spent trying to decide whether to "keep going" (at what you ask - well reaching for the golden ring I suppose) or just blow it all off. Put my feet up - and not as a means to support my laptop - but just put my feet up and relax. I am actually unemployed at this time for the first time in my adult life and I really do wish I could just kick back. But I can't. Something makes me keep going. Not just for the golden ring stuff - but because I do really think there are people counting on me. On some days I think I have an overinflated sense of self-importance and that everyone would do just fine if I decided a cashier job was my next move. And then other days someone hits me with the wet dishrag of reality and makes me realizes that people are making actual decisions with their life based on promises I've made. Like ... um... my kids.
Anyway - bottom line - I had an experience today that made me realize how little it takes to encourage me to keep going. I discovered that someone somewhere thought that one of my makeover tips were worth putting on a "list". It was enough to fuel me for at least another couple of days.
Check it out and do me a favor and follow @realbeauties on Twitter just in case they ever decide to metion me again!
http://bit.ly/fqt10u
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